United we stand. Divided we fall.

First off, an announcement (probably something I'll follow through for a while then just forget completely real soon): I will now resolve to blog at least once a week for the foreseeable future, since the foreseeable future is foreseeably going to be an animal of its own.

Okay. Time to blog.

I really don't know how to begin this, but I'll just get it out of the way: my girlfriend's mom just passed away, and simply put, it's devastating. Pretty painful to see the woman I love grieve again, just a little under 2 years since her father passed on. While it does hurt to know that her mom is no longer with us, the situation has brought me to a crossroads on how I'll let my emotions and thought-process move on together from this event. Even though I wasn't her son-in-law yet when she had passed on, I still shed tears for her. If it wasn't for her, Angela wouldn't be the honorable, loving, and caring person she is today. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have been able to find the place of residence I'm in right now. I really wanna go on with all of the things I'm very thankful to her about, but I'll have to apologize because it's really hard to remember all of it now. However, I will be forever grateful for the knowledge that I was and am the only guy ever that she has ever entrusted her daughter to. No, this doesn't mean that wedding bells will toll real soon (not for the next 4 years or so, or until I can finally pin down the dreaded money wisdom badge I've been striving for for so long). This is just simply being the guy that she trusts will never hurt her daughter, will protect her with the same fierceness that she had in the past, and will be her daughter's bodyguard during Angela's gigs.

Yes, we have had a very testy relationship at times, but I will only choose to remember the times that I have made her smile. It's also a shame that I won't be able to apologize for all of the times that I've hurt her, and that will be a burden I will carry forever. But have promised her one thing at her death bed - that I will always love and cherish and be by her daughter's side, no matter what. And that's a promise I intend to keep forever.

You're probably still looking for the "these next few weeks are going to be an animal in itself" part of the blog. Well, here goes.

I really miss my girl. I do. I miss her. I miss her touch, her kisses, the way she holds me in her arms when we make love. I miss the pet names that she uses to call me. I miss her so much. Now, I do understand why she won't be able to do any of that anytime soon, but that won't stop me from pining for all of it. I guess this is where my resolve and sanity as an honorable man will be tested; It's gonna be real hard, but I have faith that we will both get out of this stronger.

Just now, a thought popped into my head: right now, Angela and I are both going to go through challenges of our own. She's obviously going to have to learn to live without her mother, a cherished loved one. And that's a challenge that I will never ever wish, even to my most hated enemy. The night before the inevitable happened, I asked Angela if she still needed me, in spite of what will happen. She had simply told me that she just needed me to be there when she called on me. And that's something I intend to do. I know with all of my heart that she won't use this situation to cut ties with me, which is something that the old me would start thinking about already, which will just lead to paranoia, which in turn will just bring catastrophe.

I guess I'll just to wait this out, and use this time to work on myself as well. I have another golden opportunity to start working on my financial prudence this Friday, with a huge payday coming up. I'll have to make sure I use this time to pay off loans and debts that will have to be paid off, as well as the house. Now, I have thought of buying a few items to make the house a bit more homier, but I guess I'll have to plan that better though.

All things considered, I just wanna make sure we both come out of the flipside better people than when we both were given the respective challenges that we face right now.

Pretty interesting couple of months coming up. I know things aren't going to be the same. A seismic shakeup has occurred, and I guess it will have to be up to me to stand up to it and be better out of it.

The Night is Dark, and Full of Terrors.

A year. Almost a year and a half of not divulging my deepest, darkest thoughts into this mighty contraption which is my blog. A lot of things have happened, and a lot of things have changed. Why don't we start with a little recap?

Last we saw our hero, he was grappling with a huge dilemma - which one of the fine, lovely ladies he was seeing then would accompany him through the next, and definitely trickiest part of his life: a rebuild.

Gladly, he made the right choice - he chose the Singer. She is now the love of his life, his lovely Angel of Music. If I were to recount the perilous journey from the moment of clarity to today's night of solitude. It would be another blog post in itself. However, one thing is for certain - if in the past, the word 'solitude' evoked a shudder from our protagonist, that was because it signified another failed venture into matters of the heart. Now, one can say that he has grown world-weary and that solitude is his only time of rest from all of the unnecessary bullshit he encounters in his life on a daily basis.

Another thing that has changed in our hero's life is that he has been able to keep a stable job; yes, my dear readers - it's the same job that he sought when his journey back from the (metaphorical) grave began. Not only has he kept his job, but has actually gotten much better at it! Will you look at that. And on a daily basis, he hears whispers that his rise will continue on... But we will have to watch for that development.

Life with his Angel of Music has not been what our hero expected when he fought valiantly for his fair maiden's heart. The fact that the both of them are still together is a huge achievement in and of itself. Again, a separate tale will be written about it soon.

For now, your humble storyteller simply wants to update anyone who cares to know about how our wily hero has done in the span of time since his last tale has been sung.

Don't change the channel, folks. Story's just getting better from here.

Ain't No Mountain High Enough.

The thought of someone as verbose as me at a loss for things to say, this lends more credence to the fact that things have been happening at a rate that's incredibly... unnatural. I really don't know what to make of it. Yes, I told myself that I'd finally stop asking why things are happening the way they are. I did. But then again, I just have to ask, barring any obvious answer I can think of right now: Why is my attempt at progressing through certain things holding me back being sabotaged?

For one, I'm going to try and look at this at a secular perspective and not place divine interference in the mix (FOR NOW).

There. Let's say this guy just went through a painful break with a girl he loved dearly. And still loves dearly to this day. Through the pain, he made a decision to be better. He tried to get to know other women. He expanded his horizons. Life still spiraled out of control for him, but when doesn't it, he asks.

Now, let's say this guy gets to know a girl with whom he just might've found the girl he's looking/waiting for. She's utterly amazing, special in her own way that trumps everything else that he sees. And then, just when things are getting better, the plug is pulled. The rug is pulled from underneath him. She says they can't see each other, for reasons that the guy is willing to understand. He's willing to accept the situation, but just at the lowest point of his life, the girl appears. And gives him hope to keep on going. For a few days, she's there. He thinks things are getting better. But then she leaves again.

Enter the previous girl. Nope, she didn't message him or text him or send him any kind of communication. It's him who always makes the first move, the one who sends the first message. He tried to ask her out for dinner, but she had another trip that she was committed to. He gladly accepts that. But during the day, he was able to talk to a common friend of his and the girl's, and said friend advised him to send his ex a letter detailing how much he still loved her. How much he was sorry for all the pain he caused. How much he missed her with all his heart.

He wrote the letter, sent it to her, she saw the letter. Still no reply though.

But that's the thing - he's been actively trying to move on from that part of his life for ages. Instead, he's being dragged back to the thought of her. He's growing close to some of her friends. He's always seeing things that remind him of her. Bullshit like that.

And now, he's confused.

What's he to do.

Pompeii, or: Things We Lost in the Fire.

Okay, there are no world-ending volcanoes erupting during the time this blog post was made. No, the author has not turned into a stone-like, ash-encrusted shape seen cowering in fear.

Nope. Sorry to burst your bubbles; it's just my current obsession, Bastille's Pompeii, and Things We Lost in the Fire. Give them both a listen. Thank me later.

Okay, on to today's rambling.

Wow. What a week. It would be foolish to say that these developments were unexpected, but I didn't expect everything to blow up like this real quick.

To be honest, I saw this coming. Heck, I even bartered with God to just let something like this happen instead of me having to be upfront about the true version of certain events. Again, I just did not expect events to blow up so hard, so quickly.

Maybe this kind of "blow up" is what God knows I need. All of the preexisting structures built up by my own stubbornness, my foolishness in believing that I alone can carve out an existence without God's help. And now, I have close to nothing. But Him.

And that's a good thing. I'm constantly reminded that all the things I've lost in "the fire" are all consumed by a God who's only desire is to see me live a holy and blameless life.

One of the terms we used in the last call center I worked for, being that we worked with technology, is "hard reset". This means purging information in the system of the device that has been causing it to bog down, or not function well.

And well, God has been performing a hard reset on me. Plain and simple. And I welcome it. A lot of things that I've lived with before, a lot of things that I've been accustomed or have grown to be okay with are now being purged methodically. I'm just fortunate that He has decided to leave a few things in me that still make me who I am.

Like being with the woman that I love. I don't deserve last night's surprise, and yet, He provided it.

All I'm praying for right now (and I know He knows this desire of my heart) is to not be the same person I was before, with regard to a whole lot of things - finances, relationships, work, and most importantly, my faith.

Just a random thought.

I'm claiming it here right now:

THE WOMAN THAT I'LL BE WATCHING THE LAST INSTALLMENT OF THE HOBBIT TRILOGY IS THE ONE WOMAN I'LL BE WITH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Meh.

Alright, 2nd post.

This is an achievement in itself. I really don't know what else to do anymore, but just make sure that I'm still going along the upward trend that I have now set myself up to achieve.

I have a new job. A new job that I can truly say I love. A job that allows me to do what I love - deal with people face to face, and be able to provide them with what they need, given our resources as well as their needs for the given situation.

But then again, this victory I've just been able to score is truly a bittersweet one. I remember vividly discussing with the one woman I've ever loved truly how much I really want to improve myself. Not just for myself, but for her. And it includes being able to get a job that takes me out of the rut of the call center industry. Now, this is now to say that I'm being an ungrateful son of a bitch who merely lambasts the hand that fed him for four years.

No. This is me saying that finally, my dreams are within reach. It's truly heartbreaking and ironic to note that when I was able to score a huge victory for my hopes and dreams, the one woman who I've dreamt of creating a future with is now gone.

Now, you might say that I have to move on, and meet new people.

I've got you covered right there.

I've gone out with three women already, both wonderful in their own way. Unfortunately, I truly admit that I am not the man tasked with seeing how wonderful they truly are. During the times that I was given to get to know them both, I've really tried my best to carry the conversation, but damn. Nothing. Even funnier, one them ended up being like a best friend to me. How's that for irony.

So there. Right now, I'm just making sure that I'm able to do well given where I am right now, because I really don't want to repeat the darkest of my days.

There's also the matter of just clinging on to the faith that I have in my Creator - the only absolute thing that's keeping me afloat these days.

Still, there's nothing wrong with praying, and hoping, and praying even more. Praying for things to get better. Praying for wisdom to reveal the bigger picture in this never-ending saga of life.

Here's to the thrill of it. That's what life's all about.

Confusion. Utter confusion.

Okay, here goes. Brand-new blog, brand-new set of thoughts made know for the world to see.

Let's start right in the thick of things, and deep into the mud.

Yesterday was just a monster in itself. It was at times fun, at times depressing, at all times confusing.

I just want to be able to move forward from this, with hearts and wrists intact.

My heart will definitely go on and on to bleed and bleed hard over this loss.

I keep on looking back at memories, seeing them and remembering the happiness in these mementos.

Some of them are literally just a few weeks back. Okay, maybe a bit over a month back.

I'll work to pick myself up. To make myself better.

Because that's the only way.

Things will get way worse before things get way better.

The night is darkest just before the dawn.

Can't lose hope now.